God Gave Me A Girl

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I don’t know much about my maternal lineage. I know that my grandmother abandoned my mother right before she committed suicide. I know my mother left me when I was young, alone, to navigate this world on my own. That is all I know of the women in my family and it was  a darkness that hung over my head when I became pregnant with my own daughter.

I am not sure why God decided that he would gift me with a girl. Perhaps he saw the potential of a woman that would break the chain of abandonment and neglect. Maybe he saw a woman who deserved to love her daughter, regardless of the curse that ran along my mothers side of the family. Maybe he saw a strong woman, one who could raise a strong little girl. Whatever the reason, he has given me a chance to right the wrong of the motherless curse that plaques my blood.

I thank God for the gift he has given me, but I can’t help but wonder; why does he trust me with such a beautiful soul.? What if this curse consumes me like it has the women before me? 

Regardless of the maternal curse that dances in the shadows of my nightmares, God still gave me a little girl. The fire in her little soul brightens the darkness that consumes me. Her ferocious love battles the fear that weighs heavy on my heart, and her smile eases the anxiety of our unknown future.

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Copyright 2019 Messy Mama https://messymama18.com

I sit with my fear of a repeated history, as I watch my little one play. My heart aches with worry as I carry the curse in my soul like a virus – waiting for it’s moment to strike. I look into the eyes of my beautiful baby, and I promise her, “I will not go willingly. This demon will have to find another way to take me away from you. I will fight for you, every single day.”

God gave me a little girl, so stubborn and so bold. A little wild one, already so strong, yet so emotional. He gifted me with a powerful creature. One who rips out her bows, and throws off her shoes to dance around this world barefooted. One who doesn’t fit into a box. Who loves all things bright and flowery, loves to play with hair, but chooses trucks over baby dolls. One who keeps Mama in sight, but is eager to explore the world. One who pushes boundaries and walks thin lines, but loves with all of her little heart. Who’s tough and gentle at the same time. A little girl too active to sleep, but sits through Frozen 1,000 times a day.

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God gave me a girl who feels so incredibly hard – a little flower with a brand new soul. Eager to learn all things. Navigating through her own emotions, as if they are fresh off the press. Easily frustrated, yet easily amused. Powerfully angry and extremely happy. A sarcastic maneuver from Him, I am sure.

God built her unique, and so very fresh. He built her special for me, trusting that I would be strong enough to mold her into a beautiful soul. God didn’t just give me a girl, he gave me an important job. He encouraged an opportunity to break the heavy chains of history and be the mother a little girl deserves.

God gave me a girl, to love and to cherish. God gave me a little girl to read bedtime stories to and kiss goodnight. God gave me a little girl to take to the park and push her on the swing. He gave me a little girl, to walk with barefoot in the sand. God gave me a little girl to be the mom I never had, to love her unconditionally and be there every step of the way. To watch her grow into a woman of her own. To break the curse between mother and daughter, and be there for her until my last breath. God gave me a little girl, to love her forever.

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Copyright 2019 Messy Mama https://messymama18.com

 


 

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*Disclaimer – Statements made in this post are of my own opinions, views and thoughts. I am not a professional and should not be regarded as such.

*This work, along with it’s images, as well as other posts published by Messy Mama, are protected by copyright laws.

Copyright © Messy Mama 2019 https://messymama18.com

What I Learned My First Year in Motherhood

When they wheeled me out of the delivery room, and into the recovery room, I was holding my little bundle of life. It was the first time since she had been born that I had gotten to absorb all of her beautiful wonder. Due to the chaos of my labor and cesarean surgery, I had been too shaken up and nervous to hold her right away. It’s a topic I don’t talk about much. A little out of shame, but mostly because it’s a debilitating regret.

I had not handled the day very well, and I was drowning in severe pain. I just didn’t have the energy to hold the little human I had carried around with me for nine months. I watched on as the doctors handled her and as my husband cradled her. I felt defeated and not worthy of being this little person’s mom. My heart broke as I felt undeserving. My confidence was shattered, my strength gone. I could not handle birthing her. I felt weak, both physically and mentally. Mothers, I thought, were not weak.

Fast forward a full year and that woman I was then is not the woman I am now. I have grown so much, both physically and mentally. I’m not saying I could power through another delivery like a warrior because realistically, I know, I am no super hero when it comes to pain. But that doesn’t mean I am not strong, and that defiantly does not make me any less of a mother.

My daughter has taught me so many wonderful things. Things that have given me courage and strength. Things that have allowed me to be the best mother to her that I can possibly be. Things that have allowed me to grow and to continue growing.

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Here’s what I have learned my first year as a mother:

Nothing Goes As Planned

You would think that by the ripe age of thirty, most people would have figured that out by now. Nope, not me, but don’t worry. I’ve got it now. From pregnancy, to delivery, to newborn stage – all the way up until forever. Nothing will ever go the way you hope it does. I’ve learned to plan for the worst, and not in a negative – “nothing goes right” way, but in a, “well, at least I brought extra underwear” kind of way. Especially when you have kids, it’s less stressful when you are fully prepared for a natural disaster.

You’re Probably Not Going to Bounce Back

If you do, you are a Goddess, and I want a picture of you on my wall, because “Damn, girl!” This could fit in the “nothing goes as planned,” category. I told myself that I was going to start working out as soon as my doctor gave me the “Go get ’em Tiger.” Right! What I got was a full year (no joke) of pain, discomfort, frustration, and slow crawl towards getting my groove back. And it’s still not all there. It’s more like currently recharging.

Newborns Are NOT Easy

Whatever you do, don’t listen to what Karen says. The Newborn Stage is not the easiest stage. At least not when you are a new mother. It’s hard as hell. Your whole life has just been switched upside down, your world now revolves around a tiny person, and you don’t sleep. You’re exhausted! The baby’s crying, you’re crying, the dog’s crying… At least when they become a toddler, you have a full year to grow accustomed to the sleep deprivation and you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of your hair. Yea toddlers are hard, but so are newborns!

Your Fears Change

Before kids I was afraid of heights, sharks, moths, and dying. Now, I will hang over a cliff to rescue my child from falling into shark infested waters, all while moths fly in and out of my mouth. I’m still afraid of dying though, but not in “I’ll never exist, what’s after death,” kind of way, but because I am scared that my child will grow up without a mother. I’m also afraid of baby snatchers, fast cars, loud trucks, and dropping my kid off at daycare. Your fears will revolve around the health and safety of your child. Your old fears become obsolete and your new fears become almost intolerable.

It Goes By Too Fast

My pregnancy lasted fifteen years, but the second my little girl was born, we warp sped in the Delorean to 2019, and here we are. Trapped in the future of walking, tantrums, and independence. Now, instead of browsing twitter when I hide in the bathroom, I’m drowning in the tears of yester-year as I scroll through old photos and videos. Where did my baby go? One minute, you’re staring at a perfectly wrapped baby burrito, the next minute your negotiating with a raging-babbling toddler to close the refrigerator door. It’s a wild ride, so hang on, and take a lot of pictures.

You Won’t Sleep

Whether it’s because you were magically gifted with a shitty sleeper, or because you can’t remember if you turned the stove off, locked the door, payed the light bill, or suddenly remembered that the leftovers are currently going on day 19, you won’t sleep. Like ever! Like never! Like, just snort 5 scoops of ground coffee because it’s going to be a long day. (That’s a joke, don’t do it. Just drink the coffee.) The tired you felt as a kid, a college student, or the ignorant adult that’s never been woken up by a child – tired, is nothing compared to how tired you will be as a parent. Especially your first year. After a full year, sleeping in until seven will become a luxury.

You’ll Lose Yourself A Little

Becoming a parent is an out of this world experience. You’re not going to be the same person you were before you had kids. You’re just not. Your pre-kid lifestyle is gone, your priorities change, and you will lose a big chunk of time for yourself. As a matter of fact, that time will be very hard to find. But, you become a person that you never thought you could ever be. You become a new you, an even better you, and it is the sweetest thing.

You’re Going To Get It Wrong

I have not met a perfect parent yet, so I walked away from perfection. Instead, I’m just focusing on being the mom my daughter needs me to be. It took me getting it wrong a thousand times to understand that I am never going to get it right. Parenting is a never ending learning process. You don’t graduate from parenthood, you just gain experience. And then you have another kid who is nothing like your first kid and you pretty much start from the beginning. It’s challenging and rewarding all at the same time.

Mom Guilt Is Real

You’re always going to feel guilty. We want to do what’s right for our babies. After all, we are their mom’s. Isn’t that our jobs. Whether we stay home or work, clean or play, sleep in or stay up, self care or spend time with our kids. We convince ourselves that we are doing the right things, but there will always be that voice in the back of our head telling us that we are not. It’s never ending, and honestly, it’s probably never going to go away. My best route is do what I feel in my heart is right.

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Copyright 2019 Messy Mama https://messymama18.com

I have learned so many things as a mother. I am sure I will learn so many more things as the years go on. This first year has been the best year yet. I can not wait to see how my daughter and I both grow in the years to come. Most importantly, I’m learning to give myself a little slack. Parenthood is the greatest, messiest journey you will ever go on. You may be slightly crazier than you were a year ago, but at least you got adorable, little – havoc wrecking dinosaurs out of it.


 

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*Disclaimer – Statements made in this post are of my own opinions, views and thoughts. I am not a professional and should not be regarded as such.

*This work, along with it’s images, as well as other posts published by Messy Mama, are protected by copyright laws.

Copyright © Messy Mama 2019 https://messymama18.com

Embracing The Mess

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Messy Mama was born from the ashes of a chaotic attempt at motherhood.

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Copyright 2018 Messy Mama

Right from the beginning, from the complications of a long and difficult pregnancy, to the horrific experience during delivery. Right down to the struggle of trying to get my shit together for a tiny human that depended on me. Each part of it has been a crazy, exhausting, whirlwind of a beautiful mess. A full year after giving birth to my now sweet but salty toddler, I am finally embracing it.

You would think that by accepting my fate as the not so perfect homemaker, that I would drown into an abyss of dirty dishes, frustrated tears, and poop filled diapers. The truth is that it’s had the opposite effect. I did not plan to become Messy Mama, it just sort-of happened. It became a part of the new me, the mother that I am.

At first, it was extremely difficult. By the end of my baby’s third month of life, I was envious of all other mothers and frustrated with my experience. Selfishly, I believed I had been shafted from a glorious pregnancy and a memorable delivery.

While other pregnant women glowed, I hung over a toilet for most of the nine months. I couldn’t celebrate my pregnancy or enjoy it. I didn’t show off my bump, instead I spent most of my time in bed. I refused to be photographed. I was a sick, pregnant Mess.

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Copyright 2018 Messy Mama https://messymama18.com

My long and difficult pregnancy had me hoping for an “easy” delivery. Instead I got thirty hours of pure chaos and torture. The most precious moment of my daughters brand new life was the most horrific and traumatic moment of mine. At no point during my delivery did I feel like a Warrior Goddess. I was rolled out of the operating room a blubbering, disorderly Mess.

As the days crept into months, I found myself struggling to fit into my new role. I couldn’t keep up with the house hold chores, showers, or the motherly duties. I felt inadequate. Regardless of how hard I thought I had tried, I just couldn’t get it together. Motherhood was Messy and so was I; So very Messy.

Fast forward nine more months and I can’t help but be so incredibly proud of the mother I have become. As I follow my new toddler around, picking up after her disarray and Mess, I giggle at the destruction. I think about the irony of the last couple of years. How perfectly fitting it all is.

 

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From the day she started exploring, she has been exceptionally curious. Never wanting to diminish her flame, I embrace it. I allow her to rip the books off the bookshelf, throw the DVD’s from their places, explore the cupboards until all the pots and pans, plastic ware and refrigerator magnets lay scattered throughout the kitchen and dining area. I let her rip the clothes from the drawers and throw her blocks around her bedroom and the living room. A representation of the path my little tornado has laid out before me since becoming her mom.

img_7385When I stopped fighting the Mess, everything became a little less Messy.

The more I embrace the mess, the less it has taken over me. The more I accept my anxiety, the easier it is to manage. The more I love the chaos of motherhood, the less resentful I become. Messy Mama has become Grateful Mama. Grateful for the little girl God has given me, and Grateful for the opportunity I have been given to be her mother. Grateful for my home and all the love I feel inside of it. Grateful for the body that carries it all. With gratitude, comes great love. A love that pushes me to want to be the type of woman my daughter looks up to. A woman who remains strong, regardless of her struggles. A woman who refuses to be swallowed by the chaos around her.

Now, I wake up with a little more motivation. I wake up with a little more intention. I wake up with hopes that I will be more of the roll model that I want my daughter to see. Yet, still a little bit of the perfectly, imperfect Mess because being imperfect is important too.

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So yes, my house is a little cleaner and organized, I put on real pants more often, and my sloppy bun is a combed bun. I take my daughter on more memorable adventures because you only live once, and she gets to see how much I love my own body. But Messy is what she has made me, and there’s nothing wrong with that, so Messy is what I will be. A little less chaotic, but Messy Mama is here to stay. (Were you worried?) There’s so much more growing and cleaning that I need to do. For now, I’m Messy with a purpose, Messy with love. The best and Messiest role model I can be for the one who started it all. After all, I am her Messy Mama.

 

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*Disclaimer – Statements made in this post are of my own opinions, views and thoughts. I am not a professional and should not be regarded as such.

*This work, along with it’s images, as well as other posts published by Messy Mama, are protected by copyright laws.

Copyright © Messy Mama 2019 https://messymama18.com

So, You Want To Be A Mother.

Warning: This post discusses the difficulties of becoming pregnant and contains sensitive content. If you are currently struggling with trying to become a mother, please be advised that this post could be difficult to read.

 


 

I know why you’re here. I was sitting in the same spot you were, just a few years ago. Scoring the internet for tips and advice. Scared. Nervous. Incredibly excited. Was I ready to do this? Was I about to jump into the deep end and emerge into a whole new life? Was I ready to be a mother?

So maybe you had the conversation with your partner. The infamous, “Let’s have a baby!” Maybe you both went back and forth. Maybe you thought, “Now isn’t a good time.” “Is it a good time?” “Will it ever, truly, be the right time.” The answer is always no. You think you’re ready, but you’re not. You’re not ready. Then suddenly, you are. The truth is, you can never truly prepare yourself for what you are about to do. There is no proper ‘travel guide’ for the life of a parent, but we jump into it anyway. Most of the time, it works out just fine.

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Copyright 2019 Messy Mama

If you have made the final decision to go for it, let’s slow it down for a minute and chat. Mother to future mother. Woman to woman. The journey, before the actual ride. could be quite frustrating, and I want to prepare you for that.

You’re here because you want to do this right! You want to know all the ‘should do’s’ and ‘must do’s’ before taking the plunge. You want to prepare yourself, and your future little bean. You want to check all the boxes and complete all the steps. You want a healthy little bundle at the end of this, so you’re about to jump on the obsessive baby making train.

Before you jump into doctor appointments, tracking apps, thermometers, calendars and little red dots. Before you dive into books and internet articles on tips and tricks. Before you invest in pregnancy tests and ovulation trackers. Before you start to wander the baby isle of Target, I need you to take a breath. What I am about to tell you will shatter your thoughts and exited ideas of how you see your life going in the next year or so.

Maybe you’ll get lucky on your first try. Maybe it will be as easy as 1,2,3…. and baby. Maybe you’re dreams will come true and you will have everything you ever wanted in just one shot. There’s also a good chance you won’t. There’s a good chance you’ll end up breaking your own heart quite a few times in this journey to be a mother. So, before you dive in, just take a moment to breathe.

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This next chapter you are about to jump into could be a difficult one. It could be a long one. It could be frustrating, and it could be devastating. You could end up with a thousand no’s before you finally get a yes. You could win only to find out that you lost. You could break your heart a thousand times, desperate to fill your heart with that empty need you yearn for. Your dreams of mothering that perfect little bundle of magic could crash and burn.

Your first ride could be your longest one. It could the your hardest one. It could be the most painful. It could also be the most beautiful one. Yes, it’s true. Nothing works out quite like we plan. Yet, when it finally happens, you will cry, you will laugh, you will celebrate, and you will love so very much.

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Copyright 2019 Messy Mama

When my child was born, I had a realization. Specific genes came together at a specific time and built a uniquely beautiful little creature. Different sets of organisms can be paired into a billion different combinations. Each child in a home is built so different then that of their own siblings. That means, my little beauty was pieced together in account to the time, and combination of cells. If I had gotten pregnant sooner or later, I would have been blessed with a completely different child than the one I am currently raising today. That thought is wonderful and magical and makes me so incredibly thankful.

Timing is everything, events are everything. The journey is truly everything. Your baby will come to you the way that he or she is meant to, at the time they are meant to. Life, regardless of how, will bring the two of you together in such a beautiful and magical way. The path to one another will change you, it will humble you, and it will strengthen you. It will be the wheel that generates a path that will turn you into the mother you were meant to be. If you truly desire to be a mother, you will be. Embrace and love the road you take to get there.

Good luck, Mama, and when you finally welcome your tiny miracle, I hope you find your way back to me. I would love to hear all about your story.

 

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*Disclaimer – Statements made in this post are of my own opinions, views and thoughts. I am not a professional and should not be regarded as such.

*This work, along with it’s images, as well as other posts published by Messy Mama, are protected by copyright laws.

Copyright © Messy Mama 2019 https://messymama18.com

 

Being Her Mom; Embracing Motherhood

I’m not afraid to admit that I lost myself a little bit when I became a mother. I spent almost thirty years building myself into the woman I wanted to be. However, in a split second, I watched that woman fade into the background. On the day that she was born, my daughter flipped my world upside down. I am not the same person I was before I became a parent. It is a little depressing when I think about it, and at times, I am a bit envious of the wild, young woman that I use to be. The healthy physic, the perfect skin, the endless amounts of energy, and the adventurous outlook on life. When I look at the mirror, I see a different face. The image is a bit distorted, with the dark circles, and the uncombed hair. Yes, I miss her sometimes. Yet, I can’t help but love being a mom.

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My life has changed dramatically, and my fierceness has been tamed by a bold little girl. I have met my match, and I am beyond grateful for that. I look down at my vibrant child, so full of life, and I think, “I get to be your Mom.”

I get to be the greatest female figure in her life. I get to be the one who helps guide her through her journey. I get to be the one who protects her, and the one who stands up for her. If being a Mom of a little girl doesn’t empower you as a woman, then what the hell does? I miss the woman I use to be, but nothing compares to the woman I have become. I owe all of that to my daughter.

My little girl has turned me into a stronger woman, and it is making me a better mom.

Yes, parenting is so hard. The minutes are long, and the days are too short. I long for some time to myself and being the main go to for my baby can be exhausting. I am still struggling to find my place as both a person and a parent, but I can’t help but be proud of who I am today. I truly am the best version of myself.

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Do I love every moment? Absolutely not!

I could do without the late-night sleep battles, the screaming tantrums, the healthy food struggles, the diaper wars, and the mess. I could do without them, but it’s all a part of the bitter sweet package, isn’t it? My God, does it make you resilient. One day you’re overwhelmed and you’re struggling, and the next day you’re handling it! Being a mother has given me more courage than anything I have ever experienced. Even the darkest of days could not have prepared me for this. Parenthood is truly the greatest test of all time, and it is so fucking beautiful. How could I not love it?

Being a mother is scary and taking care of a child keeps you on your toes.

All my fears, before my baby arrived, have disappeared and seem irrelevant. Now, I am consumed by the fear that drives me to love, care, and protect my child. Ironically, I have found true strength in my fears because there is nothing I would not do to keep my child safe. Nothing scares me more than she does! Nothing!

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I have never experienced a love like the love I have for my little baby. A connection that could never be explained in words. How much I wanted her! Everything we went through together, before she was born, and on the day that she was born. Everything we have experienced together this past year, and everything we are learning together a as new person and a new parent. How many emotions run through me as she grows. Pain in knowing that time is too short. Excitement in watching her blossom into a little individual. Fear in what is to come. Every single moment cherished, regardless of how tough or difficult. Through out all of that, I get to be the one who is right there with her.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy, and it is most definitely not glamourous.

It takes an awful lot of everything you can muster up, out of your soul. Patience when you don’t have any left, love when you are angry, and courage when you are scared. It can be draining, and exhausting. Frustrating and infuriating. Frightening as hell! It is the most important job you will ever have, and it could turn you into the person you’ve always wanted to be.

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My daughter is beautiful, bold, and so very emotional. She pushes me past my limits every single day! I love her for that, and I love that I get to be that person for her. I do! I get to be the one she reaches for. It’s me she wants when she calls out for “Mama,” and I’m the one she looks for in a crowded room. I am! Yes, it’s true, it may not always be this way. That’s okay, because no matter what, I will always be that person for her when she needs me to be. I get to be her Mom, and that, to me, is the greatest thing I could ever be.

*Disclaimer – I am not a professional and will not be accountable. My blogs are written from my own experiences and should not be taken literal.

*This work, along with it’s images, as well as other posts published by Messy Mama, are protected by copyright laws.

Copyright © Messy Mama 2019 https://messymama18.com

Here’s To The Messy Mamas

Here’s to you…

Sipping on your cold cup of coffee, running your fingers through your unshowered and uncombed hair, wondering what that stain is on your leggings.

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Here’s to the Messy Mama, trying to make it through another long, exhausting day.

Here’s to you, sleeping through your early morning alone time, so that you can catch a few extra minutes of sleep.

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Copyright 2019 Messy Mama

Here’s to the Mamas with little babies, waking up at 4 am. Here’s to the Mamas dragging kids out of bed for school.

Here’s to Breakfast Makers, who feed everyone else while your eggs go cold.

Here’s to you, picking up dirty towels and piles of worn pajamas. The Mamas who feel unappreciated as they wipe off toothpaste from the mirrors and scrub stains out of the tub.

To the Investigators, trying to locate the other shoe. To the problem solvers for the project that is suddenly due. To the Mamas worn thin because “for God sacks, just get in the car!”

To the WWE fighters, trying to wrestle on diapers, pants and jackets. To the Baby Wranglers, the Toddler Tamers and the Teenager Translators. Here’s to the Moms, attempting to avoid small talk at the bus stops, and eye contact at the drop off lanes.

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To the new Mamas, trying to be a mom, without losing themselves. The Mamas trying to fig out the car seat, the stroller, the breast milk vs formula debates and how you’re going to get to the dirty dishes left in the sink.

To the Mamas with the heavy chest, trying to catch your breath.

To the Mamas, with tear soaked cheeks, sitting on the bathroom floor. Feeling like you have broken your promises of being a better mom. Feeling alone, drained, and so very tired.

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Copyright 2019 Messy Mama

To the Mamas who grocery shop, walk the dog, feed the cat and clean the house, all while having a baby attached to your hip and toddlers wrapped around your legs. Having to wait hours before you finally get a minute to go to the bathroom or grab a bite to eat.

To the Career Jugglers, who head home to cold dinners, bath time struggles and bed time fights.

To the Pregnant Mamas, juggling your morning sickness while chasing after little kids. 

To the Mamas caring for special needs kids. Who put others needs before your own. For the Mama, holding it all together and doing your best to be strong for others.

To the Struggling Mama, who can’t seem to fit into her role.

To the Mamas still trying to figure out how to merge the lines between motherhood and self. The Mama who figures it all out one day and loses it all the next. To the Mama who is not sure she can do it, grasping to her faith.

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To all my Messy Mama’s. I see you and I am here to say, you are not alone.

We are all trying hard to be good moms. I feel the chaos in your chest and I see the clutter in your mind. I know some days it is really hard! Some days you feel like you are going to crash! Some days you believe you did it all wrong. 

You’re doing the best you can, Mama.

You have built, delivered, and are raising such beautiful babies.

You did that!

You withstood all of that, and you made it through each difficult day. You are amazing and you are so incredibly strong.

Embrace this Messy world of Motherhood and know you are loved and you are doing just fine.

Here’s to you, Mama!

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Copyright ©  Messy Mama 2019